Deference is a trait that is hard to define and maybe even harder to practice. Deference is part good manners, part humility, and part unselfishness. It sometimes involves putting yourself last and taking responsibility for a problem even when it is not your fault. In contrast, if we are always focused on ourselves, we can become oblivious to the needs of other people . There will be times when we will need to address our own needs first, but for the most part, the needs of others should be our focus.
Obviously, this is another character trait which goes against the grain of human nature. None of us comes by it naturally, and we definitely pass our selfish natures on to our children. However, as our children see us practicing deference and being unselfish in our everyday lives and comments, they will find it easier to add deference to their behavior.
Here are some real-life examples of deference. When you are at the grocery store and you are ready to check out, allow someone who has only a few items in his basket to go first. Your children standing with you in line will notice! While driving in traffic, add good manners and unselfishness to your own deportment, even though that’s certainly not easy. Remind your children that it’s just like the times they are standing in line at the drinking fountain—even though they are tempted, the right thing to do is to be patient and not to fight over who gets to go first. Deference often brings its own reward, because you can enjoy peace instead of conflict.
Deference can sometimes feel like giving up, but instead of being the loser you are usually the winner. Whenever you plant a seed of deference by giving up your rights, you are acting like Jesus would. God will turn that into blessing. When you give up your rights for the benefit of others, God will bless you with a good reputation, which is more valuable than great riches. (Proverbs 22:1) When you give up your rights and let God choose, you can rest assured that His choice will be better than whatever you could have chosen.
God is more likely to bless a selfless, deferring decision rather than a selfish “what’s in it for me” decision. Our lives are so full of “me,” or “what I want” or “what I deserve.” Consider how much God could bless you if you choose to defer.
Memory Verse: “Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another.” Romans 12:10